Journal #7 - Untitled

Sometimes things happen in your life. Things happen that are so unexpected, so wild, so tragic, that they absolutely wipe you off of your feet and you cannot find your balance, no matter what you try to do. Sometimes these things are unbearable. It leaves you mad. hopeless. confused.

This journal is untitled, and it is untitled for a reason. This past week, I have been a ball of emotions, ranging from widespread grief to uncontrollable anger to complete and utter hopelessness. But most of all, I have been at a loss for words. Sometimes, words cannot even begin to touch the surface for how we feel or what we are going through. Because of this, writing this journal is difficult. I have struggled all week to find the courage to write about this—to let people know the struggles I have been going through. In me writing this journal, I am facing my emotions and understanding that this past week has not been normal. It has taken time for everything to sink in. To put it blunt, this week has been heartbreaking.

I never would have expected to receive the news I did when I woke up last Monday morning. A close friend to my family and my sister’s big in her sorority, Elle, was shot in the Las Vegas shooting. When we first heard the news, we knew nothing other than Elle was shot in the back of the head and was in the hospital. She had survived the shooting. But no one knew what her recovery would look like. Was she going to make it through the day? If she did, was she going to be in a coma for the rest of her life? Was she ever going to wake up? What kind of brain damage was she going to suffer from? There were so many unknowns floating around that no one, not even the trained professionals, had the answer to.

Nothing. And I mean nothing, will prepare you for this kind of news. The call you get when you're told your friend was shot. A shooting that could have been prevented. A shooting where you friend was just in the wrong place in the wrong time. So many things started tormenting my head. What if she didn’t go to the concert? What if she was standing in a different area? Would she have been okay then?

And then I started to research. This shooting. This man, Stephen Paddock, he went on an absolute rampage. Why? I was enraged. How could one person do so much damage? It is not okay. It is not fair. Elle, along with nearly 500 other people, should not be in the hospital, injured, or dead right now because one man decided he wanted to shoot a bunch of people. One man.

I could not get these thoughts to go away. Everything in my daily life started to seem so small, so pointless compared to what just happened. Elle was in a hospital fighting for her life. I was going to class, trying to complete assignments, trying to keep up with my normal daily routine. I honestly could not get back on my feet. Everyone around me was joking around, acting happy, and going through life as normal. I think what got to me the most was that life just moved on. It was like the world took a little “trip” in their step on Monday to mourn the Las Vegas shooting, and then on Tuesday everything was back to normal. We had to get back into the swing of things because that’s life, right? We can’t fall behind in our work because that’s inefficient. We have things to do. People to see. So everything is okay. Right?

Wrong.

Later this past week, my sister and I received further news from another one of our friends from high school and fellow co-worker this summer at American Airlines, Ally. One of her close friends at University of Arizona, was shot and killed in the Las Vegas shooting.

Again, I fell deeper into these pained emotions. I questioned everything. I questioned why this happened. Why was the world so cruel?

I spent most of my week slapping a fake smile on my face and pretending everything was okay. I went to class and studied at the library as normal because I did not want anyone to suspect that I was upset. The only person I really talked to any of this about was my sister, who also was extremely torn up about the situation. I tried my best to be there for her throughout this week while maintaining this facade to my friends that I was okay. "Nothing was wrong." I would go home at night and be exhausted from pretending I was alright when I really was not.

So what does any of this have to do with nature? Strangely enough, I felt like I was drowning in my everyday life. I felt like I was being pounded down from every direction with school, friends, work. Nothing was giving me peace. I needed an escape. And what provided that to me? Some alone time in nature. On Friday, I went for a run outside along the Trinity trails to clear my head. This helped so much. I was able to spend some time alone, away from people and just be with my thoughts.

I thought about everything that happened this past week.

At the end of my run, I found a secluded bench along the trail and just sat there. I sat there and I cried. I cried for the first time since I received all this news. I cried for Elle. I cried for Ally's friend. I cried for all the victims of this terrible shooting. I had so many pent up emotions I had been holding in all week. I had not mourned. I needed this time alone to comprehend and process all that had happened. I could not grasp how one person could cause so much death and destruction.

I thought about not only the Las Vegas Shooting, but everything else that has happened in the world lately.The Las Vegas shooting is not the only shooting that has happened in the world or even in the United States. I never thought about any of these other tragic events as much as I have the Las Vegas shooting. This, after all, is human nature. We don't think much about things that do not affect us personally. Or at least, we think "wow. that's horrible." We mourn it for a day or two and life moves on. That is not okay.

My time outside in nature on Friday cleared my mind. I think I finally understood that what happened to Elle and Ally’s friend actually did happen. It all is terrible. However, the best we can do right now is be here for one another and rally behind change for the future so something like this will not happen again.

Given the circumstances, Elle is doing wonderful in her recovery! When she got shot, an off-duty EMT was standing right next to her. Her took care of her and took her right to the hospital. This was crucial in her survival. She was rushed into emergency surgery where the bullet was successfully taken out of her head and she was placed in a medically induced coma. It has been a slow progress, but she is awake now and has passed all neurological and cognitive tests. Her recovery is honestly a miracle.

Elle has been extremely lucky. She has made huge positive strides every day which is wonderful news. However, there were many people who were not as lucky as Elle. The road to recovery for many, both physically and mentally, is a long and grueling process. Everything is not okay, and that is okay. We can only hope for a positive future where events like this will not happen again.

I know that this journal was not directly about nature, but I felt like it was needed. Nature provided an escape for me. It provided much needed healing, and I am truly grateful for that.